Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
