3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
