I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
