jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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