An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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