I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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