based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
