He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
