im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
