I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
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