I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
