How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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