i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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