No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Farmville is her only friend.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now Heβs Upset Because People Told His Mom
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip πππ
Your skills amaze me
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
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