Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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