I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
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