Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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