things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
