just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
You are the jesus of drinking
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
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