I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
