he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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