soooo we both peed the bed last night...
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
