they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
