i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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