I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
