me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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