i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
