I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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