i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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