i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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