Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
