I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
sarcasm needs its own font
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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