And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
