i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Randomize
