I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
