she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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