i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
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I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
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I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism