i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
The 19 Strangest Things People Use To Get Off
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
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pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.