At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
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I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
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Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT