Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
