I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
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