I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
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