I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
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