You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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