between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
