When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
