I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
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