Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
