I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
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