had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Randomize
