Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
