What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
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