The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Randomize
