The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Randomize
