Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
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