I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Randomize
