Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I just found puke in my bra..
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
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