I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
