Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
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