One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
