i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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