Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
